Tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. It absolutely breaks my heart to know that someone I care so much about has been so extremely upset with me. It’s almost too much to handle. I pray for understanding and forgiveness. I am going to be a better friend to all of the people I am blessed to call my friend. I have learned a hard lesson. I can’t change the past. I must apologize for what I did and hope that is enough. Here’s to a new year. Hopefully relationships will be healed and new memories will be made.
This Christmas Eve was great. It was so different though. This was my first Christmas Eve without my Grammy. It went well. I was pretty down all day but as usual The Lord gave me strength to make it through the night. I found this picture the other night and wasn’t exactly sure how I wanted to post it on here. I didn’t want to put this up without reminding myself why it meant something to me. I look at my life and see that I am blessed beyond belief. I have people who love me, a place to live, running water and food, and many other things that I don’t have to have to survive. For the most part I don’t have anything to complain about. Everyone has their problems including me. My family is a crazy mess but I’m lucky to have them. This little saying kind of turned my world upside down. I always feel like everything is so different and I can’t ever figure out when it happened. Like for instance, this is the first time in four years that I didn’t spend at least part of Christmas Eve with my best friends. It truly hit me that while nothing drastic has really happened, everything is different. I am growing up. I’m not afraid or nervous but I’m not sure I’m prepared. I knew that the day would come when it would hit me that I need to put my big girl panties on and realize it’s time to let go of the past and prepare myself for what is to come. I’m 21 years old and while sometimes that feels like I’m ancient; I know that my life hasn’t really started. I have so much I have yet to see, experience, and learn. This saying has encouraged me to take life day by day. I know that when I look back I won’t know exactly when things happened but I will know that The Lord had bigger plans for me than I could have ever thought up for myself. I am going to be okay. We have already won the war, I will just take each battle as it comes.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s really worth it. The line “don’t make someone your priority when your an option to them” is so cliche but completely accurate right now. So much work put in but nothing in return.
Not ready.
I sit here in my living room just hanging out and came across some pictures of my grandmother. It hadn’t hit me yet that this is the first Christmas season I have ever spent without her in my life. I have spent every Christmas Eve with her since I was born. It was her favorite time of year because all of family got together. She would cook dinner for everyone. She was the best cook. We would all eat, hang out and open gifts. I’m not sure I can handle this year not having her here. I’m sitting here trying not to cry as I begin to think about it. I’m just not ready to face the fact that she’s not here anymore. It’s easy to just push it to the back of my mind when I’m in Gainesville but as soon as I go home, it’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks. Praise the Lord that He is sovereign and ready to hold me through this.
It’s hitting that time in the semester again. I feel completely defeated work wise and I’m bored. I know that the only person to blame for my grades is myself. I will own up to that one real quick. I just hate class. I have learned that it doesn’t matter what school I go to, I just HATE school. I do. I need to pull my life together and get through these last 2 and a half semesters! I can do it…
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